Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
