my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
