im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
