yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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