I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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