How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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