I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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