you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
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