Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
