Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
