I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There's always time for handjobs
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
