Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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