Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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