Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
