There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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