dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just pee around me
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
