yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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