either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
