I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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