Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
