If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
