why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
