I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
