I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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