FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
