i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
