Swine flu. Run for my life!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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