Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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