She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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