Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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