nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize