I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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