; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
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