You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize