We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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