Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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