You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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