I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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