morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
