She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
