there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
