I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Someone came in the potted fern
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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