I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
