I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
