My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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