you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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