So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
