i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
