Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
