About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
