I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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