I just gift wrapped bread.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
