The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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