you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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