My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
