I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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