my phone needs a breathalizer
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
