I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
