this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
