I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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