im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
