I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
